Are We Not Parents? Part II
Dateline: 06/27/97
Last week I told you about our experiences with our son's school and their antiquated software. This week I'm going to talk a little more about T and myself, and our being parents.
I don't know how many times I've said "You need to be out - people just don't know, just don't realize. Each of us has a responsibility to educate those we meet. I know you may not agree with me, and that's your right (and I know that some of you feel that you have no option). All I can do is hope that my positive experiences will sway you.
A few years ago, Sharon Bottoms lost custody of her son to her mother because she is a lesbian living in Virginia, a state in which sodomy remains illegal. The case received so much publicity, there was even a "Movie of the Week" produced, called "Two Mothers for Zachary." with very similar issues, starring Valerie Bertinelli. The Bottoms story is far from over, by the way, and we'll look at her situation in more detail in next week's article.
During the height of awareness about the lawsuit, T and I had joined a Lesbian Mothers group. We had attended one meeting, and eagerly put our name on the "contact list." A list that was being kept for when news organizations wanted, well, what else, lesbian mothers to interview.
Imagine our surprise when we were told we were the only mothers in the group to put ourselves on the list. Why? Because....
- I don't want my child's school to know
- I'm not out at work
- I'm afraid my child won't be accepted into private school
- My family doesn't know
- I don't want my kids to know
The last one really got us.
Overall, we were stunned. Here was a group of relatively professional women, older women, mostly women whose children had been born in non-traditional ways (in other words, there weren't any ugly custody battles lurking around the corner). Yet still they were afraid.
What type of message does this send to their children?
What Mom (or Dad) is doing is WRONG!
We spend so much of our time teaching our children that the truth is important. Yet, they see us lie about a basic and fundamental part of our lives. What kind of lesson is this?
Needless to say we got a call and the three of us were interviewed for the local news. Daniel said it best when he said, "I just don't understand why people have a problem with people who love each other." Out of the mouths of babes....
The next week we visited his school, and ran into one of his old teachers. She was thrilled, "I had the news on, and saw him, and ran screaming to my husband, 'Daniel's on TV with his Moms! Come look!'"
This was the same teacher who was shocked - and disgusted - when she found out that the Boy Scouts doesn't allow Gay Leaders or Scouts.
Throughout our life together T and I have always been out. We're who we are. Some people like us. Some people don't like us. Very few people have made that decision based upon our relationship.
What we hear most often is, "Daniel is so lucky to have two parents who care so much about him."
The people who say that aren't going to be the ones who vote to restrict our rights.
The people who say that aren't going to be the ones who try to keep us from having our marriage recognized.
As I said before - I know that many of you feel you have reasons to not be out. I do understand. But I also understand that the times are changing, and they are only changing because more and more of us are out, and people are getting to know us as individuals and they're discovering that we're no more "different" from them than any other individuals they know.
Next week we'll talk about one of the scarier reasons for not being out - Child Custody issues. However, I hope you'll be as happy as I am when we see how the tide is turning, and cases like Sharon Bottoms are becoming fewer and further between.
In closing, I'm going to quote a conversation between Daniel and a friend of his that happened about four years ago:
Friend: Therese is your Mom?
Daniel: Yup.
Friend: Deborah is your Mom?
Daniel: Yup.
Friend: You have two Moms?
Daniel: Yup.
Friend: THAT'S SO COOL!
In Pride,
Deborah
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