Dateline: 11/12/99
It's that time of year again --- here's a blast from the archives, with a few [more] updates.
When I was growing up holidays were somehow rather simple. I don't remember a lot of fuss and bother over which "side" of the family we'd spend the days with, although I'm sure that there was some. There is a little something tickling my brain about bickering regarding who would have Thanksgiving any given year but it couldn't have been too big a deal, or I'd remember more clearly.
Now that I think about it some more, I do recall a few questions about whether "we" were going to have Turkey Day, or whether it would be at my aunt's or one of my uncle's houses.
Although we were (and are) Jewish, my father really got a kick out of seeing my brother and myself come down the stairs and head in to the den where a stack of presents awaited us. Presents from my parents and presents from Santa.
For Christmas we'd open our presents, then go "up the hill" (but not over the river or through the woods) to my mother's parents, and then exchange gifts with them. Thanksgivings I remember spending with my father's family. One of the brothers or the eldest sister would have the entire family over. I remember endless football games and delicious mashed potatoes courtesy of my paternal grandmother. (I also remember women cleaning up and men watching those games - but that's an entirely different subject)
My mashed potato making grandmother passed away this past year [1998]. She is, and will be missed - and not just for her mashed potatoes.
Now that I'm older, and with a family of my own, there are more choices to make. We tend to do Thanksgiving with my side of the family, the dinner rotating casually between us, my mother and my sister-in-law. Quite often one of my sister-in-law's sister and her family joins us as we've quite extended our family over the years.
Sometime last year the ease of this all working out disappeared. My sister-in-law's mother moved down to "our" town, and I suspect doesn't feel that comfortable with "our" part of the clan. The sister-in-laws sister doesn't live that far away, so there's always a question of "Are they are or aren't they going to be part of this group or let us know that they're going elsewhere?" This year it appears that we're all gathering at my folks.
This year is also the one-in-seven when my brother's birthday falls on Thanksgiving. Like most "holiday" babies he doesn't want a "joint" celebration, so we'll be doing something separate for his birthday. Any suggestions as to what to buy a 35 year-old banking finance aging rocker type for a birthday?
[Thankfully this year his birthday falls on the day after Thanksgiving. However, we may be driving up to see T's parents for the weekend after Thanksgiving dinner, perhaps missing the bro's birthday, perhaps not. We still don't know when they plan on having his "party" --- or what to get him. Suggestions still gratefully received....]
Christmas is also easy, thankfully. T's family traditionally has a Christmas Eve celebration, generally held by one of T's many sisters, while my family continues the Christmas morning tradition, now rotating that morning between us (although this year there's a new baby in my sister-in-laws side of the family, and we're being deserted by my brother and family as they travel to spend the baby's first Christmas with it).
Easy! Ha! If only I had known that while I was writing this. Apparently my brother didn't know that "we" were still doing "traditional" lox and bagels at our house for Christmas morning. This led to some, well, dissension. Ah well. T and I decided early this year that we'll be doing Christmas morning since it appears to be not of the same importance to the sis-in-law. Last year we went to a movie with my folks and my grandmother (maternal) and I hope that we'll do the same this year. Many good movies to choose from, we'll have to decide soon which we'll see.
[My grandmother didn't make it last year as she wasn't feeling that well, hopefully she'll make it this year. We went to see Shakespeare in Love which quickly became one of my all-time favorite movies. But I'm easy, and I digress...]
It all tends to work itself out, and we've only all stopped talking to each other a couple times over the years over planning the celebrations. Not everybody molds and mends families so easily, and there are dynamics involved for gays and lesbians atop the basic stress of the holiday season.
For the single queer, there may be the stress of "When are you going to get married?" for those who are not out - and "I hope you're not bringing *them*" for those who are out and seeing somebody.
For coupled queers, the standard pulls from each side of the family can exist in even larger proportion.
If you haven't told your family, you're expected to participate with them as holidays are a family time, and you don't have "anybody" with whom to spend the time.
(By the way - holidays can be an interesting time to come out - as one comic suggests trying, "Please pass the gravy to a homosexual.")
If your family doesn't know, or isn't supportive, they're going to expect that you spend the holidays with them - and not worry much about what your "friend" or "roommate" is doing.
Personally I would refuse to attend a "family celebration" that didn't include my spouse, but that's a decision each has to make for themselves. When I was growing up none of us much liked my Uncle's wife, but she was always included in the celebrations.
Even if your family (or one of your families) is accepting of your relationship, it's a rare set of parents that isn't jealous of in-laws under even the best of circumstances. It's harder still when they don't quite "get" that these strangers really are your family too.
Your family may suggest, "This is a time to be with your family, let [your other half] go to theirs and you'll come here" without realizing that your other half is your family.
Even if everybody and every side of every family is "cool" there still may be time conflicts. "But we always celebrate XYZ together!"
One solution is to create your own traditions as you have your own nuclear family now. Invite both "sides" of the family over for Christmas/Thanksgiving. It's a lot of work, but think about the joy of not having to drive anywhere.
Or, just spend the holidays with each other - go out of town, or if you're staying in town annoy both "sides" by telling them you're spending the time with the other "side."
It's also possible that all sides of all families are "cool" but you and your other half each want to do it "your" way.
All in all the dilemmas surrounding this time of the year are not that much different than anybody else's, with just a few added wrinkles.
In Pride,
Deborah