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Coming Out Stories Gallery - Anonymous 6

Hello family,

I choose to begin this story by saying that I have never felt that I have been in the closet. By that I mean that among my classmates, friends, and associates there were two, three or more people who seemed to be focused on and given attention to my sexual identity. At that age in life(prior to age 15) I had no earthly idea what sex meant, neither homosex nor heterosex. It was a foreign term to me. Occasionally, a classmate would refer to me as a sissy or a pussy. I could accept that, if by pussy you would mean a 65lb. teenager who felt realistic in assuming that he would never make a sucessful football player. Some of my classmates felt that this lack of interest in football was a flamboyant declaration of being unsuitably different. (Keep in mind that this was before I had had any sexual experiences of any sort, still didn't know what sex was. At that point, my circle of "friends" caused me to feel that I was no longer accepted in their circle. I believe that feeling rejected by one's peers had a lasting, devastating emotional impact on me. This "perceived rejection" caused me to withdraw as much as possible from my peers. I felt extremely lonely because of these people's attitudes toward me. Meanwhile, at home, I was experiencing what I perceived what I perceived as covert rejection from my father. He caused me to feel unlovable and unsuitable as far back as age 5, several years before I experienced this peer rejection (the peer rejection was with same sex classmates. Therefore, feeling rejected of fatherly affection, then later being rejected by same sex peers, caused me to feel that the thing that was lacking in my life and that seemed to keep me in a state of depression was the feeling of being totally disconnected from all males. However, males as a rule did not treat other males this way. The more rejected I felt by first my father, and then by same sex peers, the more important my quest for feeling significant to males became. I had become obsessed with the desire to be supersignificant in the eyes of some male. From that time forward, being some male's supersignificant had become an unending life quest for me. It was as if you felt you had to acquire this acceptance in order to prove to yourself that you were a worthwhile person, and not the defect that these males had made you out to be. Its as though it were a quest to regain self-value and self-respect that the males in your life had seemed to have stolen from you. This rejection caused me to feel hollowed out inside, and at the same time only intensified my desire for male acceptance, for male approv! al. Emotionally, I would say that I was operating from a state of overkill in my desperate quest for male acceptance. I felt that there was an iron curtain between me and other males. Society had managed to make me feel that to desire acceptance by same sex peers was in some way perverted, yet they had same sex friends and acceptance. I was supposed to accept the fact that while it was okay for them, but it was bent for me to desire the same thing. I felt that I had lost their chain of reasoning long ago. The sense of rejection I felt by my father and by my peers created what I would refer to as an emotional black hole in my heart that seemed to remain thereafter, preventing me from experiencing true happiness in those ordinary endeavors that the average male would consider satisfactory in providing him with gratification. I would explain this seemingly insatiable craving for mutual emotional intimacy with some male to be a barrier to happiness that physicial hunger is to one's efforts to find pleasure in "typically pleasurable" activities. This is the type of haunting deprivation that seemingly can't be left on the back burner if one ever hopes to experience happiness. But what would YOU do about it were it you? As for myself, I've tried everything to no avail, but my happiness is that important to me. Unlike most gays, I felt that I was unable to find a niche that was right for me. I can't see the typical relationship to a heterosexual female as a suitable means of satisfying! a DIRE craving for male affection. However, I can't see your typical bathhouse, queerbar, or suck shop as being a source of satisfying this need either. Having been raised by a devoted Christian mother who drilled her values into me on a regular basis, I was taught that promiscuity in all of its forms was wrong. Thoroughly brainwashed. I could never see it differently. However, the gays whom I know live a promiscious, indescreet, sex addict hit and run lifestyle that doesn't seem to fit my value system. I have never been appealed to gay men that had effeminate mannerisms, talked with a lisp, and walked with a swish. I don't see this as suitable material in my quest for masculine-male acceptance or affection. I don't view this "creature" as being male or masculine. At the same time I do not believe that a sexually oriented relationship between two males is Biblically acceptable, even though some of those relationships may involve love. But from my frame of reference, I find myself seriously trying to answer the question "What is love?". I have begun to view people as a bunch of sociopaths who have no respect nor regard for my physical or emotional wellbeing . I feel that this is an accurate perception of people on the whole, based on such supportive evidence as the public's opposition to my pursuit of happiness, a dogmatic refusal to grant me the respect and rights afforded first- class citizens in this country (yet I was born an American and have always had to pay taxes). As a result of these people's attitude toward me, I have become a walking bottle of pent-up defensiveness, bitterness, resentment, as well as perhaps a tinge of hatred (even though as a believer in Christ I am not too quick to acknowledge this hatred). In closing, this is what wearing a gay label has meant to me. I wonder where the word "gay" originated? While I am not seeking sympathy, I'm just being honest about my feelings at this point. I am now 46 years old. I know there has to be brighter day ahead and believe that it is darkest before the dawn. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts and feeling with you.

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