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Coming Out Stories Gallery - Jay

I started noticing that I was different around age 11 when I would look at other guys my age and older. Most of the other kids in school would talk about girls, I never did although I thought they were pretty I never thought about them like other guys did. When I was 19 I met this guy whom I worked with, after work we would go up to his house and wrestle on his trampoline. I’m not going in to details here but one time we were wrestling and started to fool around. Not too long after that he and his family moved away to another town, I never thought about finding where he moved.

I come from a very religious family and my dad left my mom and me when I was four. I have never had anyone to talk to about things that most kids can talk to their parents about. I always had my dog to talk to and he was a good listener but he wouldn’t give much advice. I look back on it and think my mom did what she could to raise my brother and me. She was the type that thought we needed a “dad” or that’s what she said. I think she was alone and needed someone. I had about four so called “step dads” and all but one was a drunk or didn’t care about us. The last one stayed married to my mom for 10 years. Then about 6 years ago he took all of the tax refund money and slipped out one night. Oh well I could care less because I was already grown up by then.

I moved in with my grandparents when I was 14 and lived with them for about 2 years. I guess I was a spoiled little brat because they let me do what I wanted. I remember staying out of school more than I went. I'm not saying that they let me run wild because they wanted too; I just did what I wanted to do. I really had to grow up on my own.

I always thought these feelings would just go away and it was something I was going to out grow. Here is where my story gets interesting. I met this woman in 1992 and she was great, I had never been with a girl sexually either. I started going to her house everyday. We started getting real close and In October 1993 my daughter was born. Right after that in December we got married. (We are still together to this day)

I never got married to hide my feelings. I knew they were a part of me but always thought I could somehow control them. I tried to keep my mind off of it. I always tried to keep a hobby to keep myself occupied. I remember when I was younger praying to god to change the way I felt. I never thought I could be gay anyway; I never “acted” like gay people I saw on TV so therefore I could not be gay. Just imagine what it would be like to be a kid and know you were different but the whole world around you saw your feelings as wrong, abnormal, etc. I remember reading stories about teacher’s years ago forcing students who were left handed to write with their right hand because it was not the “norm”. Then in 1996 we got our first computer,I remember getting so mad because we did not have Internet access in my small town. Sometime in 1997 we finally got net access and I remember getting online for the first time and hearing “Welcome, you’ve got mail”. (More like junk to me) I never really went in to gay chat because I was afraid what would happen.

On or around July 29, 1999 I logged in to a Lycos chat room. I remember the first person I talked to was new there too. Hi Matthew, I know you are reading this.

I started making friends real quick; I had not made friends like that in real life! Right now I have so many that I can’t respond to them all like I want too.

My wife would ask why I was in gay chat, I would just tell her I was looking to see what the “homo’s did” Then on August 23, 1999 I sat down and started talking about stuff. I could not bring myself to say those words “ I am gay” so I just kept talking and she finally figured it out.

I still have not said those words to her or myself to this day. After she found out she was in shock for about 3 days, there was nothing I could do now. It was like being on the space shuttle with the thrusters going full force and I didn’t know how to fly.

She is better now (I Think) and has joined a mailing list support group. She even told me that if I needed to “explore” outside the marriage I could, maybe I'm a dog for even thinking about doing something like that. About 2 weeks later I told my mom. She said she was glad I told her but she didn’t want to hear about it anymore and it was sick and for me not to talk to her about it. So that’s where I am today and I don’t know where I will be tomorrow.

The only people I am out to is my wife and mom in real life. I don’t care what my small town thinks; it’s none of their concern anyway. The people in my town would just love to gossip about this. I don’t know what her parents would think either and really don’t care for my sake, but I am concerned how people would react to my wife. I will always love my wife and cherish what we have together but I cannot keep this concealed any longer.

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copyright 1986-2010 Deborah Levinson