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Coming Out Stories Gallery - Jessica (2)


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I went to an all-girls Catholic high school where coming out was unfathomable. In this environment, girls behaved differently than they might have in a coed environment: playing with each other's hair, sitting on each other's laps, linking arms, etc. It was all part of the culture there, so when I did these sort of things with my best friend, I dismissed it as normal. Everyone did it, I was just following the trend, or so I told myself. My best friend and I grew very close. We were friends for about two years before we ever became affectionate with each other. I remember one night at a slumber party she came and sat next to me in a small chair, so our bodies were pressing up together. My whole body tingled. I didn't even identify the feeling as sexual, that's how oblivious I was. Anyway I continued hanging out with this girl, and the tingles continued. We became quite affectionate with each other, but in innocent ways. We would cuddle, etc., and no one thought anything of it. Then I started spending the night at her house a lot. We would always sleep in the same twin bed, without really discussing why. We sometimes fell asleep holding each other. Eventually this led to kissing, very innocent kissing, nervous little pecks. never talked about what was happening between us. It was hell. We called ourselves "best friends" yet both knew there was something more happening underneath the surface. We were in love. The summer after high school graduation we saw each other every day, growing closer and closer. We knew college was coming, and we had no real way of holding on to each other, and we were both terrified of the prospect. We headed to separate colleges and tried, unsuccessfully, to cling to each other. We visited each other frequently. Eventually she stopped talking to me, I believe, out of fear. She transferred to a very conservative Catholic college and I'm sure she'll be running away from this her entire life.

Fortunately, I went to a liberal college where I met a lot of gays and bisexuals. I made friends with a bisexual girl down the hall from me, and we began hanging out all the time. I basically repeated the scenario that had happened in high school: I responded to my attraction to this new girl in very childish ways, by "cuddling." This girl was a very sexual person and she did things that really turned me on, like playing footsies with me or rubbing her breasts against my back (all while other people in the room had no idea it was happening). When an opportunity to kiss her arised, I froze in fear. I couldn't do it. She stood in front of me, forcing her face in front of my face, and we stood like that for almost a minute, the most intense minute of my life, my heart thudding, my cheeks hot. I was a coward. We never talked about the incident. We never talked about the chemistry between us. We called ourselves "best friends" but I was really head-over-heels in love. I don't even know if she felt the same. She graduated, and I wrote her a letter confessing my feelings for her, so at least she knew how I felt. I'm angry that I wasn't comfortable enough with myself to explore the chemistry, but from these two relationships I've come to terms with the fact that yes, I'm a lesbian, and that I need to be actively pursuing relationships with girls rather than shrinking back in fear. I have come out to a few people, but it's still a struggle....


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