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Coming Out Stories Gallery - Tim L.


More Stories
I've always known I am gay. I found more inteterest in my sisters toys than the army men and tanks. I never acted on my feelings because I was unbelievably afraid until I was around 21 years old. I had come home from college for a St. Patricks day party and had become quite intoxicated, hence I was more than willing to satisfy my urges. I woke up the next day hating myself, thinking cruel and self-destructive thoughts. I was thrown into deeper denial. The closet became even darker. I began drinking more and college was a great place to fulfill my need for masking my true emotions. I had grown up in a very strict Irish Catholic home and heard all the rhetoric of gays and homosexuals and the eternal existence in hell. I found sex in secret places, telling myself I could control what I felt. I almost got married but thank god everyday I didn't.

Before I could come out of the closet my brother beat me to it. Telling my parents and myself. I was so angry at him, i thought, "what are mom and dad going to do? they can't have two gay sons??" But I was cracking. My drinking was getting worse. I was looking for sex all the time but thankfully too afraid to follow through. I hated myself, despised my emotions and felt I never would experience love. Once I confronted my demons I said, "I'm gay" three weeks later I attempted suicide. I became intoxicated and felt unloved. So I drove my car on a major highway and wrecked. I still can't believe I wasn't hurt, nor anyone else. I even drove home that night only to confess to my brother and family later of my attempt. The worse part is I did it on Christmas day 1997. I'll never forget that, here's your chrismas gift mom and dad and by the way, "I'm gay and attempted suicide". God what a hellish gift to give!! My friends have had mixed reactions. One won't speak to me, another came out himself which has made all the difference to me.

I have been in a remarkable relationship now for almost three years. We have had many trials and obstacles to surpass. Sometimes I still fall back into my negative perception of myself thinking of self-destructive behaviors. But my partner is kind, compassionate and loving to me, more so than i am to myself. What I have learned is it is extremely difficult being human. The emotions are hard, painful and wonderous, sometimes they are felt at the same time. But I would never change the events that have unfolded, they are me and they make up the challenge of my life and the dream I still hold true to.

That I am here for a purpose, my life and love are here to be known. I just still need help finding the strength to follow through and I thank god my partner has been so patient with me, even though our lives are complicated. I hope one day to be married in a catholic church with my family and friends seeing me love my man. My family has come a long way, they are remarkably supportive and loving. Even my father is doing better, not great but he like me is a work in progress!!


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